Jesus’ penis! I’m gonna lock myself in a bunker. Call me when it’s all over!
A couple of nights ago I watched a boy, maybe 7 or 8 years old, kicking an empty bottle around the pavement, while (presumably) his mother watched on in silence.
The bottle predictably fell into the gutter and smashed. “You fucking twat!” shouted the mother. I couldn’t have put it better myself.
What a wonderful society we have become.
I have just been on the Royal Mail web site to track a parcel that was dispatched two days ago. I enter my ’13 character reference number’ as asked, and hey presto! It comes back with “Recorded Signed For™ items are only tracked after the item has been delivered.”
After it is delivered? What kind of fucking tracking system is that?
Apparently I was wrong about personal service in my last post. So much so, the BBC is making a series about it – ‘Michel Roux’s Service‘. I’ve just seen a preview clip of it and OMG! does it look exciting!
That last bit was sarcastic.
Yet another friggin’ ‘reality’ programme (about as real as Dolly Parton‘s headlamps) with a s-l-o-w, p-a-t–r-o-n-i-s-i-n-g n-a-r-r-a-t-o-r, about a bunch of no-hopers training to be waiters. OK, silver service waiters, but still waiters. Christ on a friggin’ bike! Where do they get the ideas for these programmes from?
In a real attempt to make the programme exciting, one of the participants announces “If we can do this, we can do anything”. So you’ll be able to drive an F1 car will you? Or design a viable and economical solution to replace the now obsolete U.S. Space Shuttle orbital delivery system, will you?
No, I didn’t think so. You’ll be a posh waiter.
And this is why…
My oven died yesterday and I took it to the oven graveyard (well, it probably ends up in India or China somewhere, but the local dump’s just a bit nearer for me). I go to buy a new one at Currys on the way home.
- Enter Currys for a new oven.
- Select oven No.1 – “Sorry, that’s out of stock”.
- Select oven No.2 – “Sorry, that’s out of stock”.
- Select oven No.3 (getting more expensive every time)
- Assistant: “Yes, we have 24 of those”
- Me: “Great, I’ll take one”.
- Assistant: “They’re at the warehouse, I’ll have to order it and get it delivered to you”.
- Me: “Free delivery?”.
- Assistant: “No, £22″. (Or something similar)
- Me: “Have it delivered to the the shop and I’ll pick it up, I only live ’round the corner”.
- Assistant: “Can’t do that”.
- Me: “Goodbye”.
I just ordered the same oven online for £70 cheaper with free delivery. So thanks to Currys attitude today, I saved 90 quid. Cheers.
But doesn’t that reflect the state of the big stores nowadays? For example, my disappointing recent shopping experiences include:
- Currys – They don’t sell curries.
- Boots – they don’t sell boots.
- Selfridges – they don’t sell fridges.
- Virgin Megastore – well, what a fucking let down they were!
I think, therefore a yam.
Call me, yeah?
verb (whinged, whingeing) intrans, colloq to complain irritably; to whine. noun - a peevish complaint. whingeing noun, adj. whinger - noun.
.99p 24 absolutely B52's balls BBC beer beer festivals bins birthday car Christmas computers continuity announcers driving dustmen garages grumpy guns hi-vis vests ice scraping Jack Bauer labels lazy middle finger milage obstructions pricing Rammstein real ale refuse collection road parking roundabouts sheep shit list shopping snooker soaps speech strictly come dancing TV series unemployment Wank word Whinge yanks Announcement (4)
Wank word (11)