Haven’t done one of these lately, but I’ve just been reminded of a cracker: Blue-sky thinking.
Look, for example, at this terrific bit of parking. On a corner so that drivers can’t see what’s coming the other way and taking up the full width of the pavement so that pedestrians have to step into the road to get round. Stunning!
Appropriate choice of personalised number plate though.
Why is it, when the tossers that make up those circular email ‘jokes’ that we all get almost daily, that they think it’s alright to compose them in a friggin’ 70 point font or similar?
On top of that, they colour them bright blue or, worse still, red. Even worse still, they make them red AND bold as well.
Then, even worse than that, your ‘mates’ think it’s OK to forward it on to you ‘because it’s funny’. Reality check: They’re not. They’re crap and a waste of friggin’ time and clog the internet up, so fuck off sending me them.
Chewing gum. What a foul-arsed habit that is! Look around your town. It’s on the pavements everywhere. What makes the inconsiderate fuckwits who use this stuff think it’s OK to gob it out onto the pavement and leave it where it lands? Never heard of dustbins, shit-for-brains?
The photo here was taken on a side street in my town. Not even a main road and it’s all over the place.
Now I realise Wrigley’s aren’t the only ones that make this crap, but as they’re the best known, I’m going to pick on them. I’ve just had a look at their web site and it’s trying to promote this shit on health grounds! To quote their web site, they have:
…conducted research related to the benefits of chewing gum in the areas of:
- weight management
- stress relief
- increased alertness, focus and concentration
What a load of fat old bollocks. Here’s some news. I’ve done my own research and my findings are that chewing gum:
- Is a fucking filthy habit
- Makes you look like a chav
- Turns your entire town centre into a shit-hole
There. I think that’s a bit nearer the truth.
Something needs to be done about this. Councils (and ultimately that means you and I) are paying hundreds of thousands of pounds every year cleaning this shite off pavements. And it’s not working. They clear it off, it comes back. No, let’s tax the shit off the face of the planet. Never mind taxing the fuck out of responsible drinkers like me, make chewing gum a fiver a packet. And then pass the money on to councils for the cleanup. Ain’t gonna happen though.
We could have ‘Gum Police’ on every street corner. But that would be just plain daft, because you never actually see anyone gobbing it out, do you? Nice idea though. Then, if they actually caught somebody, they should be given the power to make the offender chip every sodding piece of dried gum off a street using just a packet of toothpicks, whilst wearing a dayglo jacket with ‘Kick me soundly up the arse’ on the back.
Well, the awards season has come round again. That time of the year when all the over paid, over privileged, kissy-faced, ego bloated tossers that make up the film industry give themselves a pat on the back. Last night it was the Golden Globes.
Now I don’t watch award ceremonies because what really hacks me off is the way all of the winners, without exception, praise everybody else they’ve ever worked with.
Am I to believe that, in the history of film making, there’s never been a cross word between members of the cast? Or nobody’s had a little tantrum because they didn’t get choccy biccies with their tea during a break in filming? Yet everybody was ‘wonderful’ or gave a ‘marvelous performance’ or was a ‘lovely, caring person’.
Come on, tell it how it is. Dish the dirt: ‘Julia Roberts – what an annoying shit she was!’ or ‘Mel Gibson – the arrogant twat.’ If they made speeches like that, I might be tempted to tune in.
I picked up a copy of the music review/gig guide newsletter ‘Moonshine’ in Nottingham yesterday. It’s published by a guy who’s a classic rock DJ/radio DJ/publisher/promoter and goes by the name of Mick Moonshine.
At the back of the magazine he runs a column called ‘Sacko’s Shit List’. I am assuming that it’s a list of pet hates that readers have sent in to the magazine. Now I thought I was grumpy, but some of the comments had me reeling and made me determined to up my game:
The phrase ‘of all time’ when they mean ‘ever’. All time includes the fucking future. So there.
Whoever it was who thought of calling the TV channel ‘Dave’. Cunt.
That bloody bleeding effing shitting Pogues xmas song. Shit, shit,shit,shit shit, shit, shitting, shittety shittish shit. And the only reaon (sic) anyone likes it is
because it’s got a swear word in it and you are supposed to like it because it’s the best xmas song ever which is shitting isn’t so shit.
DVDs that wont let you fast forward through the piracy warning. Either you paid for it so it doesn’t mean you or you pirated it and you don’t care.
Women tennis players grunting. If I want to see two lezzers grunting I have many a video at my disposal, ta.
You can visit Mick’s web site and download the magazine here.
I think, therefore a yam.
Call me, yeah?
verb (whinged, whingeing) intrans, colloq to complain irritably; to whine. noun - a peevish complaint. whingeing noun, adj. whinger - noun.
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